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Richard Evans-Lacey
- UKCP registered Neuro-Linguistic Psychotherapist
- Postgraduate Diploma in Neuro-Linguistic Psychotherapy
(NLPt)
- Double Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic
Programming - Classical and Emergent NLP
- Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy) trained to Master level
- Time Line Therapy trained to Master level
- Specialist in Metaphor Therapy / Clean Language
- Clairsentient (clear feeling)
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An hour or so ago I was hard at work … in bed,
with my eyes shut, awake but dreaming. Dreaming that
my job for the day was over; that this article was already
written; and that I was pleased with it. As I imagined
reviewing the completed pages I noticed the warm glow
of achievement in my belly and allowed a smile to move
over my lips. An idea for some content landed with me.
As if on their own, my eyes opened, and I had the urge
to get up and start doing.
The benefit of alignment
Is it possible for you to be with the partner of your
dreams? If you live all alone and never meet anyone
else then the answer to this question will certainly
be a ‘no’. If you live around people but
never interact with the people you fancy then the answer
will also be a ‘no’. If you interact but
in a way that seems to scare other people away; if you
are always rejected, can’t have what you want
or plane don’t deserve it; if you are ugly, stupid
or bad; if you being with that person does not serve
society / please god or happen with love; if any of
these things are true then you probably and quite rightly
can’t be with the partner of your dreams. And
you will probably continue to prove yourself right …
just as you have been so far in your life.
In order for something to happen easily and effortlessly
we need to have a sense of it being right at all levels
… a sense of alignment. Just as you line the 2
sights of a rifle up with the target before you shoot
it is important to align our sense of purpose, who we
are, what we believe, what we are capable of, what we
are doing and where we are doing it in order to set
a compelling goal. In the context of meeting the partner
of your dreams it can be useful to consider this outcome
from a number of different perspectives or ‘logical
levels’. After we have considered what these levels
are I will walk you through an exercise which is designed
to align them and increase the chances of you achieving
the outcome you desire.
Environment |
Where do you live, work and go out? What kind
of people do you meet there? Where do the kind
of people you would like to be with hang out? |
Behaviour |
What are you doing to meet the partner of your
dreams? Anything you would like to be doing more
of less of? |
Capability |
In the context of relationships what are you
really good at? What skills, abilities and capacities
do you have already and what areas could you develop
further? |
Beliefs / Values |
What do you believe about the world, the opposite
sex and relationships in general? Brainstorm endings
to statements such as: “The world is …”;
“men / women are …”; “relationships
are …”; “I always …”;
“I never …”; “It’s
wrong to …”, “It’s bad
to …”, “I must …”;
etc.
In the context of a relationship / partner what
is important to you? (This is the list we worked
on a couple of months ago.) |
Identity |
What kind of person are you? Who were you in
the past and who would you like to be in the future?
Complete the statement “I am” with
as many answers as you can think of. For example:
‘shy’, ‘desperate’, ‘afraid’,
‘loved’, ‘beautiful’,
‘arrogant’, ‘independent’,
‘unworthy’, ‘unlovable’,
‘submissive’, ‘dominant’,
‘a rescuer’, ‘a victim’,
‘a persecutor’, etc. |
Purpose |
When you have the relationship of your dreams
what does that do for you or get for you that
you don’t already have? What would being
in that kind of relationship with you do for your
partner? What differences would that sense of
togetherness make? How would it affect your lives
and those of the people around you? |
Increasing your sense of alignment
The following technique will help you to become more
aligned.
1 – Find a space where you have room to take 5
paces forwards. If possible work with someone else who
can ask you questions and hear your responses. Stand
up and ready yourself to consider the ‘logical
levels’ of your desire for a relationship.
2 - Starting where you are begin thinking about all
the ‘Environmental’ considerations as described
in the previous table. Where do you go and who else
is there when you arrive? Spend about a minute doing
this. If you have a friend there with you they could
ask you questions that help you think about the space
around you and you could tell them what comes to mind.
3 – Take another step forwards and consider your
‘Behaviour’ - the things that you actually
do to initiate or maintain a relationship. Continue
stepping and considering all the way up to ‘Purpose’.
4 – When you are at ‘Purpose’ ensure
that you get a real felt sense of the benefits of being
in the relationship you desire. Perhaps you will feel
a shifting in your heart or a sense of lightness come
over you.
5 – Keeping that felt sense with you now step
backwards back into the ‘Identity’ space.
Now that you have that sense of purpose what do you
know about who you are in that relationship? Consider
this for about 30 seconds – notice what has changed
now.
6 – Keeping the sense of purpose and the learnings
from each previous level step back through all the previous
logical levels spending 30 seconds or so in each as
you notice what has changed. All the way back to ‘Environment’.
7 – Notice how you are feeling about the possibility
of having the relationship of your dreams now. Is it
possible? If your answer to this question is ‘yes’
you are ready to begin meditating on this possibility.
Meditating on success
Almost every writer on success that I have read stresses
the importance of visualisation. The principle we are
hooking into here is the law of attraction – that
you get what you focus on, that like attracts like.
The idea is to visualise the moment that you know that
you have got the relationship that is perfect for you
and to make this so realistic that you get the feeling
of having what you want. You are meditating on having
rather than wanting. (If you meditate on wanting then
this is what you will get: wanting!) It is worth adding
here that you should not include any specific people
in the meditation – if you do this then you are
assuming that you know what is best for them and you
are trying to manipulate them. Simply imagine someone
with all the characteristics that you value in a lover
and leave the detail of exactly who this is to the universe.
It could be the person you wanted it to be … or
maybe someone even better!
So, the important question is ‘How will you know
that you have the relationship that you want?’
Is it when you see the person across the room and your
heart skips a beat? Probably not – too early …
what if you kept on skipping beats like this but it
never got further than that? What about when you are
repeating your wedding vows to each other? Again, probably
not – presumably you ‘knew’ that this
was the person you wanted to be with way before this
point. What we are after is that first moment of really
knowing.
The one that I use is to imagine that I am going out
with my partner to a night club. Under ‘normal’
circumstances I would have gone to this place alone
with the hope of meeting someone there. In my visualisation
I am entering the club with my partner and I am really
happy that they are there to enjoy it with me. I feel
a sense of trust, connectedness, excitement and freedom.
We are an attractive couple and we find that other people
come over and talk to us. We are going to have fun tonight!
Simply visualise your version of how you will know 5
minutes every day focussing on the pleasant feelings
of having what you want. I’m beginning to use
this technique more and more in all areas of life (including
article writing!). It seems to work surprisingly well.
Why don’t you have a go for a month and see what
difference it makes for you?
Want to know more? Go
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