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Richard Evans-Lacey
- UKCP registered Neuro-Linguistic Psychotherapist
- Postgraduate Diploma in Neuro-Linguistic Psychotherapy
(NLPt)
- Double Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic
Programming - Classical and Emergent NLP
- Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy) trained to Master level
- Time Line Therapy trained to Master level
- Specialist in Metaphor Therapy / Clean Language
- Clairsentient (clear feeling)
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Being connected
To me being connected with someone means that you
have feelings associated with them. Those feelings can
either be positive such as love, compassion, trust and
pride; or negative such as hate, resentment, blame,
loss, fear and guilt. When we are connected to people
in a positive way their presence in our lives is enriching
and supportive; negative connections drain our energy
and distract us from what we really want in life. They
are bad for our health, wealth and happiness.
Take a moment now and cast your mind back through your
past relationships. Are there any ex-partners who bring
up negative feelings when you think about them now?
Anyone who you have kind of split up from but are still
in your life? Anyone who you no longer see and would
like to forget but are reminded of often and for all
the wrong reasons? How much of your energy and attention
is taken up by these unhealthy connections? What other
uses could you find for that energy?
In any relationship there is give and take. To illustrate
this I like the metaphor of two people living in separate
houses who start having a relationship with each other.
To begin with all of their possessions are in their
own house and they take it in turns to visit each other.
As the relationship develops a certain amount of lending
and borrowing begins to happen. He wants to borrow a
CD from his partner and she is happy to lend it to him.
She plans to do some DIY but needs a specific tool that
he has and is happy to lend it to her. He has a small
house full of junk and needs some extra space so she
offers to store some boxes of junk in her loft. If this
process continues then the partners possessions can
become quite mixed up and they may even forget who owns
what. (In the real world people move in with each other
and own things jointly which can make splitting up even
more difficult but for the sake of the metaphor lets
assume that they keep their separate houses.)
On an emotional level there is also give and take. There
are certain things that I want to do which I do not
do because I believe that they will hurt my partner,
for example, not sleeping someone else who you meet
on a night out. There are other things that I don’t
really want to do but I do anyway because I believe
they will please my partner, for example, going with
them to see their favourite band. I behave in the way
that I do because I believe I know how my actions will
emotionally affect my partner and I take responsibility
for those effects. I hold an impression of them as a
person in my imagination and use this internal model
to guess at their reaction and choose my behaviour accordingly.
Some of the information I use to build my internal model
of them will have been based on their past reactions;
others will be assumptions I am bringing into the relationship
based on my experience of how other people have reacted
in the past (transference) or how I would feel if someone
did it to me (projection). Me having this model of them
in my imagination is a bit like some of their stuff
being in my house. Me guessing at their reactions based
on how I would feel is a bit like me putting some of
my stuff into their house.
Splitting up
Being in a relationship is sometimes likened to walking
hand in hand down a shared path. We keep each other
company and support each other along the way. But as
we grow and experience life our priorities can shift
and our paths can change direction. A good example of
this is when one partner decides they want children
and the other does not feel ready for this commitment.
We find ourselves at a fork in the road and compromises
begin to look like neither partner is getting what they
want. Rather than trying to hang on sometimes it is
better for both partners to let go and move on.
An ideal separation happens with love and compassion.
Both partners are honest with each other, decide on
the split together and stop taking each other into account
when making decisions. In our house metaphor they give
back the things that do not belong to them. In emotional
terms they stop consulting the model of their ex-partner
when deciding what to do and this image gradually fades
and recedes into the distance.
Other separations are less ideal. Sudden cutting of
ties such as walking out during an argument, leaving
home without warning or even an unexpected death give
no opportunity for both partners to be open and honest
with each other, understand and forgive each other and
move on. Emotions such as pride, fear of violence or
emotional overwhelm may hold them apart. In the house
metaphor he holds onto the CD to piss her off and she
is sad and angry because she misses it; she doesn’t
want to give the tool back because she is using it and
he feels too guilty to demand that she gives back; he
doesn’t have room for his boxes of junk and she
doesn’t feel able to throw them away. The internal
models of the other may be pushed away or blocked out
but they are big and powerful, amplified by negative
emotions, sapping energy, still exerting control.
The problem perpetuates
If you have not properly disconnected from your previous
partners then you are not in a good position to welcome
another partner in.
Every time you see something that belongs to them or
remember something they have of yours you are reminded
of them. Every time you are reminded of them you feel
those unresolved negative emotions. When you feel negative
you focus on the negative; and then you get what you
focus on: a new partner with the same characteristics
as your exes.
If a new partner does come along your internal model
of them has to live with the internal models of you
exes. The models of your exes influence what you expect
of your new partner and you transfer these expectations
into the model of your new partner rather than building
a clean model from scratch based on your experience.
You behave according to your flawed model of them and
they simply respond to your behaviour … probably
in a way that fulfils your negative expectations.
Making imaginary space
In last months article I introduced a way of disconnecting
and freeing your energy by talking to the models of
people you hold in your imagination. This technique
gets the same result but by using energy rather than
words.
- Find yourself a comfortable place to sit. Take a few
deep breaths to relax and allow your eyes to close.
- Get a sense of the ground beneath you and encourage
your awareness down into it. Continue down through the
layers of earth until you reach the centre. As you connect
with the centre of the earth notice how this sense of
groundedness affects the way you feel at the centre
of your body – in the area of your navel.
- Remaining connected to this centre now sense up above
your head and out into the vastness of the universe.
Imagine a source of light and infinite wisdom –
a sun or higher form of self - to be there above you,
happy and ready to help you when asked.
- Allow the image of your ex-partner to come to you
– this is your model of them. Notice what it is
like between you … is there anything preventing
them from being right there in front of you were you
can see them easily? Allow the source of light to heal
anything which is preventing you from facing them until
you are able to sense them clearly.
- With the support of the light above you accept back
anything that they were holding for you. If you are
holding anything that belongs to them then give it back.
- Notice how you feel as you face them. Allow the source
of light to shine on you and heal any negative feelings
in you – filling you up with acceptance and compassion.
- When you are healed share this energy with the model
of your ex-partner. Allowing the energy to flow where
it is welcome and heal what wishes to be healed.
- When you are both healed notice the sense of understanding
and forgiveness between you and allow the other person
to drift away. When they have gone bring your attention
back to your sense of connection with the earth and
the light above you. Notice how this strong connection
with yourself gives you the freedom and ability to make
new and empowering connections with others.
After you have completed this exercise allow yourself
some time for reflection. How do you feel about that
person now? What has changed? Who are you now and what
is important to you? Complete the process with all of
your significant exes and then with the less significant
ones all together.
Making real space
Now you have cleared space in your imagination it is
time to put that freedom into action. My challenge to
you now is to go through your possessions and to make
a pile of all of those things that belong to ex-partners.
Dig out your address book and return them to their rightful
owners with a polite note requesting that they do the
same for you. While you are at it notice how many other
objects such as photos and gifts there are on display.
Do these bring back good memories or bad? Is it time
to clear them away now and make room for some new memories
to begin?
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