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Richard Evans-Lacey
- UKCP registered Neuro-Linguistic Psychotherapist
- Postgraduate Diploma in Neuro-Linguistic Psychotherapy
(NLPt)
- Double Certified Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic
Programming - Classical and Emergent NLP
- Hypnosis (Hypnotherapy) trained to Master level
- Time Line Therapy trained to Master level
- Specialist in Metaphor Therapy / Clean Language
- Clairsentient (clear feeling)
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Know what you want and why
If you ask some people what they are looking for in
a partner they will often say something like “I
don’t have a type, I’m not fussy, I’ll
just know him when I meet him.” For some people
this may well be true … they are relaxed with
being single and either find someone or they don’t;
no problem. But other people are waiting. Waiting for
Mr or Mrs right to come out of the blue. Waiting for
their life to be complete; but not actually being that
aware of what it is that they are actually waiting for.
Just that they will know it when they find it and hoping
that God, the universe or chance will bring it to them.
The “I’ll know him when I meet him”
signal is probably a thrilling and often overwhelming
love / lust feeling which puts the pink coloured spectacles
on and makes us act in impulsive and sometimes irrational
ways. It feels good but how reliable is it really? Have
you ever felt this feeling and, later on, realised that
the person was really not all that? Or have you found
yourself being attracted to partners who, at some level,
you know are not good for you; repeating the same patterns
again and again. But what can you do? It’s just
chemistry, right?
While the attraction process is an unconscious one then
there is little you can do … except, perhaps,
loose confidence in your emotions altogether. What I
am proposing here is that you bring the attraction process
into awareness. When you know what your are attracted
to you will know what to look out for and when you have
actually found it. And if you are attracted to ‘the
wrong kind’ of partner, perhaps you can make a
few changes before the pink spectacles get put on again?
Become aware of the qualities you are looking for
in a partner
The first thing I would suggest is to make a list of
the qualities you value in a partner. We are going for
a high level view here so keep them abstract. If there
are certain specific things you normally look for then
ask yourself what they are an example or indicator of.
“Blonde hair and blue eyes” may be an example
of “Good looks”; “Masters degree”
may be an indicator of “Intelligence or Education”.
Get the idea?
When you have a good long list of qualities choose your
top 8 - 10 and put them into a rough order of importance
(most important first). For example: Kindness, Beauty,
Sexiness, Intelligence, Depth, Positivity, Fun, Passion.
To check the order of the list perform a series of thought
experiments by asking yourself: “Would I rather
have a Kind partner who wasn’t very Beautiful;
or a Beautiful partner who wasn’t very kind?”
You may find that your list changes somewhat.
When you have completed this process you should be able
to describe what it is like as you meet your ‘Ideal
Partner’ and find that it pushes all the right
buttons! For example, “I am meeting a sexy, beautiful
man. He is kind and intelligent and I can tell that
he has great depth. He is positive about life, with
a great sense of fun and is financially stable.”
There should be no surprises here … more a sense
of recognition – you are describing what, at some
level, you already knew.
Uncover any lurking negativity
Now comes the interesting bit. For each of the qualities
you have chosen find a word which describes the opposite
… try to get a separate word rather than just
putting “un” or “not” in front
of what you already have. When you have the opposites
you are going to consider the proportion of yourself
which is attracted to the positive aspect, compared
to the proportion which is repulsed by the negative
aspect. List them out:
Quality & proportion of me attracted to
this |
Opposite quality & proportion of me repulsed
by this |
Sexiness 80%
Beauty 90%
Kindness 60%
Intelligence 80%
Passion 30%
Positivity 50%
Fun 40%
Financial stability 20% |
Coldness 20%
Ugliness 10%
Nastiness 40%
Stupidity 20%
Boredom 70%
Negativity 50%
Boredom 60%
Brokeness 80% |
You get what you focus on
Have you ever ridden a bicycle around a sharp bend
in the road? When you look around the corner towards
where you want to be then you tend to get around easily;
when you are distracted by the gravel in the gutter
that you don’t want to hit, skid on and end up
in a horrible nasty mess on the side of the road …
yep, you tend to create what you are trying to avoid.
As you can probably guess, the qualities we are interested
in are the negatives with more than 50% of your energy
going into avoiding them. Though the person in the example
is saying she wants someone Passionate, Fun and Financially
stable she means that she is trying to avoid being with
someone Boring and Broke.
Given that ‘the energy flows where the focus goes’
the chances are that she will have a pattern of attracting
Boring and Broke partners. Or, perhaps more likely,
she attracts partners who appear to be Passionate, Fun
and Financially stable but then reveal their ‘true’
nature later in the relationship!
Change the pattern
If you find that there are certain qualities you are
avoiding I suggest the following meditation:
1 – Remember all the people who you have known
in your life who have the quality you are now trying
to avoid. How did they behave with you? How did that
make you feel?
2 – In your imagination invite each of these people
in turn to be there with you in the room. Are they standing
or sitting? What direction are they looking in? What
are they wearing? Politely explain the impact that their
behaviour had on you. For example, “David, when
you sat on the sofa watching TV when I was trying to
talk to you I felt ignored and hurt.”; “Jane,
when you never offered to pay for dinner I felt exploited
and that made me angry.”
3 - When you have said your piece invite them to say
anything that they need to say to you. Really listen
to what you imagine they would say. (Repeat as necessary
until you have cleared the air between you.)
4 - Forgive the other person and ask for their forgiveness
in return. Then allow them to drift off on their way.
5 – Repeat the process for each other person.
When you have completed the meditation consider how
you feel about that quality now. Do you still find it
repulsive or is it different now? Less emotional charge?
Less important to avoid it? Revisit your List of values
… does it need to change now? Are other things
more important? What difference does that make?
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