Quotes provided by Sarah Caldwell, Comments provided by Richard
Evans-Lacey
Icircle.com, September 2004
1. 'I've done it in the most outrageous places,
including the kitchen and
bathroom. But although I've got a high sex drive, I'm still
just a bit too
scared to have sex outdoors. I'd be paranoid about CCTV cameras
catching me
and ending up on Crimewatch!' Jennifer Ellison |
When we have been with the same partner for
some time we can find ourselves getting into certain patterns
- switching onto sexual 'autopilot'. Having sex in different
locations is a great way to keep things fresh and interesting.
Next time you are in the house with your partner and you remember
reading this article why not take the initiative right there
and then?
Most men are biologically programmed to have
sex quickly and in the face of a risk of being discovered.
This gave them the ability to spread their genes at any time
the opportunity presented itself - even in the proximity of
a potential enemy. Women, however, are naturally more aware
of potential dangers. This helped to keep them safe. If you
find that anxiety about being discovered during sex is a problem:
- Ask yourself "Is this anxiety really protecting me?"
- If it is not then ask yourself "What is the worst thing
that could happen if I was discovered?" Then repeatedly
ask "And then what's the worst thing that could happen?"
until the answers get so ridiculous that they no longer seem
realistic and your perception of the problem changes. |
2. 'If I have a threesome, I don't like my boyfriend to
kiss the girl
because that's really personal. So you have to have rules
- and I like to be
in control and be the dominant one.' Jordan / Katie Price
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Don't scratch your nose.
By opening up communication about what is important to
you during sex it helps both parties to avoid accidentally
stepping over the other's boundary. When everyone knows
where the boundaries are they can enjoy playing inside them.
Be aware that when you tell someone not to do something
it immediately starts them thinking about what it would
be like to do just that thing! Rather than creating a long
list of 'rules' not to be broken you may want to explain
how you think you would feel if they did that thing, tell
them that you would prefer if they didn't do it and then
balance it with plenty of sexy things you would love them
to do instead. And remember - it is OK to change your mind
at any time.
It can be fun to play with dominant and submissive roles
in bed. If you find that you always take one role over the
other consider swapping for a completely different experience.
When a submissive partner takes control it can help them
to feel comfortable asking for and doing what they want
to do. A naturally dominant person may be afraid of loosing
control. Completely submitting to their partner may help
them to realise that they do not have to take responsibility
for everything - it is OK to just let go and serve or be
pleasured.
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3. 'The woman should always come first.' Myleene Klass
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Orgasms are great. And it would be frustrating if your
partner consistently rolled off, farted and went to sleep
leaving you half way to heaven. However, beliefs like "The
woman should always come first" can create problems:
- It can pressurise a woman to come quickly and cause her
to become stressed if she doesn't (creating a vicious cycle)
- It can cause a man to think he has 'failed' if the woman
doesn't come or he comes 'too soon'
Rather than focussing on the outcome of orgasm shift your
attention to the pleasure of the process of being together
having sex. That way it is possible for both of you to have
a fantastic time - even if neither of you actually comes.
On the other hand many women find it incredibly sexy to
be 'taken'. If your partner comes before you do why not
reach for your handy vibrator and have him or her pleasure
you with it or hold you while you pleasure yourself?
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4. NB - this isn't a quote. Victoria Beckham is to have
Scottish
strawberries delivered daily to her door to spice up her
sex life.
Victoria Beckham, 30, will be given 90lbs of soft fruit
by farmers after
revelations she was living on a diet of the berries which
can boost libido
and cure impotence. 'Victoria will have a punnet a day delivered
to her
door,' said a spokeswoman for British Summer Fruits. Nutritionist
Patrick
Holford, who carried out research for BSF, reckons strawberries'
aphrodisiac
qualities lie in the high levels of zinc in the fruit's
seeds. He said: 'My
message is simple every time you have sex, or want to ready
yourself or your
partner for sex you should eat a handful of raspberries
or strawberries.'
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There is little doubt that a balanced diet combined with
exercise, meditation and sleep is going to help you to feel
much more sexy and energetic. However, taking on the belief
that an external factor is the key to your sexual enjoyment
(be it a drug, zinc supplement, or a handful of fruit) can
lead to reliance. It brings with it the self limiting belief
that without the 'aphrodisiac' sex will be rotten. When
we unconsciously believe such a thing we notice all of the
evidence which proves us right and we actually experience
the effect we expect. What happens then if the punnets stop
arriving?
Rather than wolfing them down before hand why not take
some strawberries into the bedroom with you? Combined with
some chocolate sauce or whipped cream I'm sure you'll find
their aphrodisiac qualities are multiplied many fold!
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5. 'I always make men wait at least a month, just to prove
they're
interested in me for myself.' Jordan
|
Often the things that push our emotional buttons in the
outside world are a good indication of the things that we
need to pay attention to in ourselves. The concept of 'perception
is projection' is very deep and far reaching. If we find,
for example, that we are attracting people who we perceive
may be superficial then this is a good clue that our unconscious
wants us to address our own superficiality.
Many of us hold some pretty negative opinions of ourselves.
Beliefs like 'I'm a failure', 'I'm ugly', 'I'm boring' can
have many knock on effects in our lives. We often find that
we cover them up by trying to appear differently to the
outside world and ourselves. For example: purchasing 'bling'
to show how successful we are, plastic surgery or excessive
exercise to make our outside look sexy or seeking external
affirmation from fans or partners to prove how interesting
we are.
If you want to change the world then change yourself. Identifying
limiting beliefs is the first step toward letting them go
and discovering the beautiful natural you that they are
masking. For quicker results you may want to consider seeing
a therapist qualified in a technique like 'Time Line Therapy'.
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6. 'It's so nice that for the first time it's not all about
sex - although
that's a big part of it - but I don't feel like I have to
do it. I don't
feel like I have to entertain. I can go off and read my
book if I want'
Jordan talking about Peter, OK
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When we care about our partner we want them to have a good
time. Men, in particular, are constantly told how important
it is to be a skilled and selfless lover. Women can feel
pressure to have sex whenever their partner wants to - afraid
that, if they don't, they will look elsewhere.
If you find yourself falling into these patterns stop for
a moment and consider this: how would you feel if you found
out your partner was having sex just to please you? Would
you prefer it if they are doing it because they wanted to
and were fully enjoying it? Being honest with yourself and
each other is the key: agree to tell each other how you
are feeling and what you want and fully respect your partners
wishes. It becomes OK if you don't both want to have sex.
If your partner wants sex and you don't perhaps you would
enjoy embracing them while they masturbate? If your partner
is not hitting the right spot then tell them what you would
like instead. Have the sex that you both want and notice
how much better it is when you give each other permission
to let go and enjoy each other.
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7. 'You've got to remember Jonathan's a footballer so he's
got a very fit
body and he's a very passionate lover, very affectionate.
Let's just say he
keeps me very happy in all areas. We write love letters
to each other and
spend hours on the phone or in chatrooms. We do use texts
but we're so
paranoid about the phones falling into the wrong hands that
we have a rule
to immediately delete every naughty one we send!' Kate Lawler
talking about
how she'll keep Jonathan Woodgate interested while he's
away in Spain
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Foreplay doesn't have to start in the bedroom. By building
the tension before you get together you can increase the
physical and emotional intensity of the event itself. Steamy
e-mails, texts, phone messages and gifts all excite the
imagination. Most men love dirty talk before (but not during)
sex so feel free and let your imagination run wild!
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8. 'The best smell in the world is that man that you love.'
Jen Aniston
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Scent is an important component of attraction. Biologists
have identified that many animals release a class of chemicals
called 'pheromones' in order to signal their sexual readiness
and in 1999 scientist Winnifred Cutler conducted an experiment
which showed that men who wore a pheromone scent had more
sex than those in a control group.
Rather than reaching for your favourite bottle of expensive
perfume why not utilise your body's natural aphrodisiac
smells. Most people find the smell of fresh sweat a real
turn on. Try having a shower (don't put any anti-perspirant
on), then going to the gym (no showering after), then home
for steamy sex. Experiment with inhaling through your nose
while you lick your partner's body - especially around the
armpits (be sure they are not wearing anti-perspirant -
yuk!) and groin.
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9. 'I've got handcuffs. Is that weird? I've got a love
toy. Oh, and I've got
a whip as well. I do like sexy clothes. I like to dress up.'
Michelle Bass |
Toys are a great way to spice up your sex life and they
are so common now that almost everyone seems to have them!
Being tied up is a sure fire way to remove all expectations
of performance; struggling against the bonds can add a physical
tension which many people find can intensify their orgasm.
The pain from being smacked or whipped can awaken the senses
and make the pleasure of being caressed even more exciting.
Why not take a trip to a sex shop together? And when you get
home remember that there is no right or wrong way of doing
it - just have fun playing. Ensure that you are safe by agreeing
a 'safe word' like 'RED' before you start (allowing the submissive
partner to beg for mercy as part of the game).
Socio-biologists believe that men are 'pre-wired' to seek
out and mate with as many mates as possible. This is why many
men like the novelty of different costumes and exotic lingerie
and roles. So, as well as being fun, dressing up may actually
help your partner to remain faithful to you! |
10. 'I like to do romantic things rather than just dive
in. I love my neck
being kissed and my ear being nibbled or whatever. I like
everything lovely
that comes before sex. But some guys just want to dive in
and get the
business done.' Michelle Bass, who also revealed she'd 'never
say never' to
a threesome. 'Yeah I suppose so. But that's more a question
for Stu,' she
told Zoo mag |
Sometimes guys get so caught up in the moment that they
just go for it. This can make for some really fantastic, intense
wanton sex. If your partner consistently 'dives in' it can
be tempting to assume that he doesn't care about how you feel.
The truth is he probably assumes you are enjoying it as much
as he is!
A good way to help your partner slow down, become more sensitive
and enjoy foreplay more is to help him realise just how pleasant
this can be. Choosing a morning when you know that neither
of you have any urgent jobs to do get up first and tell him
to stay in bed because you have a present for him. Tie a blindfold
around his eyes and tell him to wait there while you get it.
Turn on some quiet, slow, sexy music while you gather some
nice titbits of food, feathers, ice cubes, etc together. Gently
and seductively excite each of his senses with the items you
have brought. Remember, less is more. Put the foods under
his nose so he can smell them before he tastes. Lightly run
the feather over his entire body - drawing in from his feet
and hands to his groin. Don't converse, instead you can whisper
things like "You are so sexy!" in his ear. As you
caress him why not use your lips (either set) or nipples -
the feel of you so close but only just touching may well be
a new thrill for him. Feel free to touch his penis if you
like but remember - the idea here is for him to enjoy having
the rest of his body excited. |
11. 'I don't get jealous of Brad being around other women.
We are very open
with each other about who we find attractive. I always said
Brad could sleep
with Michelle Pfeiffer, he could have that one. You couldn't
say no to her.
And on the flip side, Steven Tyler from Aerosmith is a very
sexy man and we
always said that I could have that one.' Jennifer Aniston
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Even in the most loving relationship with the most attractive
partner it is natural for you both to still be physically
attracted to other people. By being open about this as well
as about your love for your partner and desire to be with
them there is never a place for guilt, jealousy or paranoia.
Many couples find that having sex with other people actually
helps them to deepen their relationship. Even if you don't
want to go this far, making it OK to comment on sexy people
(of either sex) on the TV can help you both feel comfortable
with your 'wandering eye'.
Many people have sexy fantasies about people they know. When
this is someone famous it can seem especially safe as the
chances of you meeting them is so low. When it is someone
you do know, however, it can change the way that you interact
with the person when you meet them or other people you know.
For example, how may you unconscious behaviour around your
sister be affected if you fantasise about having sex with
her husband when she is out? You may like to reflect on the
following: many people believe that, at a deep level, each
of us is connected to everyone else. If this is the case then
we should take care about how we think - having a fantasy
about having sex with someone which, in the 'real' world,
you would consider inappropriate, could cause you and the
other person to directly experience the negative emotional
effects. In any case it is probably best to keep your thoughts
as well as your deeds in line with what you think is 'right'. |
12. 'Our health kick has made us both fitter and happier
than ever - and it
has its benefits in the bedroom too!' Kerry McFadden
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Vigorous exercise promotes, health, vitality, stamina,
helps you feel better about your body and (most people would
agree) makes you more physically attractive. If you are
not interested in the gym there are lots of other ways you
can get healthy together and enjoy other people. Raquet
sports, country walking, cycle touring, etc. And remember,
not only is exercise good for sex; sex is a great form of
exercise!
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